I remember meeting you during Brian’s birthday party. You went into Jackie’s freezer and pulled out a snack size Blue Bell ice cream cup. I walked over to you, and asked if
you were really going to eat that?
The gleam in your eyes and the smirk on your face said it all. You took the first scoop and offered it to me. I just knew you were the one for me; the one that would make me melt upon hearing you call my name. The one that I would happily fry some shrimp and catfish for at 2:00 in the morning. I was so happy when we first met, elated after our first kiss, and floating on Cloud 9 when you brought me to meet your mom.
I overheard you on the phone one night when I was letting the water get hot for my shower. You were telling Kevin that I was a great girl and all, but you were not looking to settle down. Your exact words were,
“This cow always has milk! I’d be a fool to buy it.”
Initially I was hurt and angry, but I now realize that I was the fool for being such a cow. I’ve finally realized that the problem is not you, it’s me. All those feelings, expectations and visions I had of us was my imagination and desires – something that we didn’t share. I have beat myself up over us and losing you for long enough.
I found it very hard to let you go and for me to move on. I put you on a pedestal and thought you were the man of my dreams. I thought you were the one that I would spend the rest of my life with. I thought you and I were meant to be. It didn’t matter how long we’ve been apart because I would still think of you. I would still compare others to you and judge them on how you were, what we did, what you said and how you acted.
But no more. It’s now been 7 years since we’ve parted ways and I KNOW that the one who controls my heart is ME! I took ownership of our situation and loved on myself so that one day Mr. Right, the right one for me, will come and I’ll be ready; to share my heart and soul… the right way.
He’s been very patient with me. He’s shown me that not all men are the same. He’s helped me understand that I have to forgive you and myself. I have decided that He is best for me. I finally had to let go of the situation and let God handle it within me. For me, that’s what was best and it worked. Instead of jumping into another relationship, I took some time out for myself. I learned how to be alone and it HURT LIKE HELL! I yearned for someone to snuggle and lay with because after being with you for 5 years, 3 months and 6 days, that’s all I knew.
I’ve had good days and bad days. Some days I’ve had a lot of crying, been sad all day and had those hate-life days. But they are just that – days, and they will pass. It takes time.
It’s MY heart – I CONTROL IT!